Today shall mark my 8th month into my first job. First job as an Medical Social Worker (MSW) in a Restructured Hospital in Singapore. 🙂
I’ve never thought that I would make it this far, but I did and I give myself a pat on my own back for making it through each day, each week, each month. 🙂 Starting my first job as a MSW is definitely not an easy one. I started off as an inpatient MSW in a general medicine discipline and I struggled every day because things are so fast-paced. The patients comes in with varying medical condition, care needs, family dynamic, personality etc. In my job, I see mostly patients with stroke and diabetes. Sometimes, I also see patients who come in with altered mental status and dementia (probably 1 out of 10)? Having a diverse type of patients with varying needs also implied that I needed to learn fast. The learning curve was steep as I had to quickly equip myself with lots of knowledge about community resources and medical conditions. The key word here is quickly, because the speed where patient comes in and gets discharge is fast. I recalled back to the first month where I had countless breakdowns. Adapting to the office culture was already difficult, whats more, having to also cope with work at the same time. During the first few months where I struggled with work, I am also thankful to have a bunch of friends that I can rely on and confide in because it really keeps me going.
Having a good supervisor is ESSENTIAL. Prior to starting work, I have heard from my school seniors that it is important to have a good supervisor in the first year, but I didn’t internalize it until I am a MSW myself. To be very honest, I don’t quite feel like I can confide in my supervisor since the start until now. I could still remember how I was so stressed out during the first few weeks at work that I broke down at my work desk. My supervisor caught me and she immediately brought me to a room/safe space to let me speak. I was thankful for that, because I really really needed an outlet. Initially, I thought that I could trust her. I expressed to her the difficulties I face in a fast-paced setting, and in turn, she told me that she had more workload than me and how the workload for the newer MSW have already decreased compared to the past. She also shared with me about how the MSWs in the past did not have any supervision, unlike the newer batch of us. I guess, what she meant was that we should consider ourselves to be “more fortunate” to have a better work environment now. At that moment, I am not sure if whatever she shared helps. I am also confused by the intention of her words. Perhaps she was trying to help me feel better, but no. Instead, I felt dismissed because my problem was not a problem to her. My problems were insignificant and it arise due to my incapability. In my head, I thought how I might have sounded like a whinny kid complaining about having too much work. Ever since that incident, I stopped taking my supervision seriously. Because, I am not taken seriously in the first place. Enough said about supervision because overtime, I have also grown to realize that it is a culture in the office whereby the people constantly, subtly, tell you that, “your situation ain’t as bad as mine, so keep quiet and just do your work.”
Opps, I realized that I have side-track a lot. But anyways, I mean it when I say that having a good supervisor is important. Even though my supervisor is not the most assuring person, I have to admit that she has really taught me a lot about assessment and interventions. She is like a mirror that is able to reflect to me my emotions and my values. Having a good supervisor is like having an anchor that keeps you grounded and a habour that keeps you safe. Even though I didn’t feel the emotional security around my supervisor, I know that she has been helping/supporting me when I am in trouble with my team/patients/families. Work life is truly tough, because you are not just dealing with work, but with human relationships (which is complex and unfathomable at times).
The first few months were really crazy, insane, emotional roller-coaster ride. Very often (or almost everyday) I find myself asking if this job is for me. In fact, right now, I am still wondering if I should continue being a MSW. I struggle to find the meaning behind the work I do. Gradually as I become more familiar with the resources & medical knowledge, I can’t help but feel like I am just a discharge machine trying to discharge my patients. A random thought came to me as I thought about how, if MSWs are discharge machine, then anyone could be an MSW, like we wouldn’t even need a social work degree.
As I continue to reflect, I am able to see that my job does not purely involve discharge care planning. It is also a lot of soft human skills e.g. active listening skills, counselling as well as the ability to educate and to advocate for patients who falls through the gaps in the system. Every now and then, I curse a little every time I receive homeless, ID cases because these cases can drag on for a long time (which is a big no-no in an acute setting) and it is exhausting having to keep working and advocating for the patient. However, as much as I struggle with complex cases where my patients do not meet the criteria for shelter home/ID home/HDB etc and having to deal with the complex family dynamic, I am thankful to be able to work with my patients to find a way out of the a-MAZE-ing systems.
I am not sure if this is what I can sustain doing for a long time, but for now, I would choose to focus on the process of learning and build up my knowledge and skills. As I continue my journey as an MSW, I truly hope to be able to find joy, contentment and meaning in my work with my patients and team. On a deeper level, I also hope to be able to delve deeper to have a better understanding of my own values and goals in life. May 2020 be a more reflective and fruitful year for me. Reflect reflect reflect.