Its not long before I posted a post and now here I am, typing another one. I got all the ‘inspiration’ of these post from the friends and family around me AND its all in one day. How great. To cut the long story short, I shall summarise all the lessons I learnt all in 3 different point.
No.1 : Mind your own business.
At home, due to the weak parental system which I detest a lot, I am usually the kid at home that calls the shot. I guess I got this ‘bossy’ nature since young because I really can’t stand it if things are not done properly ( and nope I don’t mean things done my way). Not trying to flaunt or boost about my achievements, but I am usually the one at home that get things done in the more proper and efficient way. Not just at home, in school, I also have rather stable and in the past, ‘outstanding’ achievements. (referring to academic)
I believe that every home should have a system in which things or household chores should be done properly. Also, there should also be a leader at home to ensure that there will be someone to take care of everyone and make the best decision. Sadly, there is no one in my house that has the ability or even the willingness to get things done properly. So in the end, I am usually the one making decisions and you know what, with decision comes responsibility.
Being just a young adult, sometimes, I have to admit, I make bad decisions. And this is when the real shit happens at home. Everyone will start pointing fingers at me when things don’t go as plan. Sounds like a pretty screwed up family isn’t it? I have no idea how things twist and turn but it gets pretty frustrating because every decisions made by every other family member is then somehow related to me?! I didn’t know I had such a great influence at home? I never thought that I had such great influence at home, rather, I thought it was because of the very flaw of human nature. The fear of being responsible for decisions and who am I with all that ability to bear all the shit stirred up by these people?
I rarely say this, but honestly, I had enough. I am going to stop making decisions at home and see how things eventually goes. Even if I get frustrated with the indecisiveness of my family members, even if I had to suppress all the annoyance, I am just going to keep my mouth shut so I don’t have to be responsible for any shit here at home.
Currently, I am thinking of going for a 4 months exchange programme and I can’t wait. While it is not going to be easy, I can get a breather from all of this, at the very least.
No.2: Have NO expectations
For every person that I know, there is some kind of expectations I had of them. For example, for my parents, I expect them to at least support me financially and emotionally until I graduate from school and am able to repay them back. Similarly, for my friends, (Definition of friend: a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.), close friends, I expect them to be there when I need them and to be always honest, and distant hi-bye friend, I expect them to have the basic respect and to be at the very least, genuine in the way they interact with me. And whether we are close or distant friend, I expect people to honour the promise they made. Doesn’t sound like too much, does it?
After today, after so many endless cancellation of promised meetings and outings made me realised this thing that many or almost everyone that I called friends have these priorities and while I very much do not wish to admit, I am never on the list of their priorities. Of course it do hurts to admit the fact, but only when I try to come to terms with reality then can I work on recovery. Whenever outings are being cancelled, it is always because my friends had something more important (such as packing luggages, going for church event etcetcetc how ridiculous can things get right, I know). At their defence, they might argue that I havent been a good friend, that I have never ever been there for them and thus I should not demand anything out of them. To put things straight, what I know is that I, at the very least, made an effort to put all the dates down on my calendar, I at the veryvery tweenyweeny least remember the dates and promises, but you guys didn’t.
What I can learn from this is that, either I am really not a very good friend, or that people these days are just so self-centered and self-obsessed with the pursue of their own happiness leaving no regards for the feelings of others. I reallly wonder what makes them think that their time is worth more than the others and how they actually can take someone elses feelings and everyrhing for granted. I am not going to generalise this across the society that I am living in because it is going to make the future all too dull. So, to conclude, I shall not have any expectation of anyone I know, and the people that I called, friends?
No.3: Work on yourself, Live for yourself and be as self-obsessed as you can.
I got this lesson no.3 after learning from lesson 1 and 2. More often than not, I will always put the needs of others above mine. I am willing to sacrifice, put out my heart and time WHOLEHEARTEDLY for that small bunch of people whom I am close with. This act of always putting others before myself makes me overly drawn into the lifes of others and I hardly ever, truly, live for myself. I do not have a fix identity of myself. I don’t exactly know what I can achieve by myself. It makes me insecure, paranoid and frustrated without the usual bunch of people by my side. I guess these people are the people that I use to mask my insecurities about myself. Slowly and gradually I lose my character and the ability to thrive alone.
To resolve or at least make things better, I need to start finding things that allows me to challenge my limits and helps me break out of my comfort zone. My journey towards self-discovery probably involves a lot of art work viewing, different leadership programmes and also time alone to help me understand how I work best as these are the things I like better. I shall promise myself to work harder, increase my knowledge and interact more so as to maximise and to stretch my potential to the fullest.
To end off, I truly wish that I am able to constantly remind myself of these 3 points and to never stop learning and to never stop the journey towards self-discovery.