It’s funny and weird how I want to be left alone, but I didn’t want to feel alone.
Seeing more and more people of my age getting attached right now is really getting to me. I often wonder, if I am less desirable, less pretty, less smart and feeling less accomplished, because no one likes me. By now, I am (about) fully convinced that I am not a pretty lady that’s why.
Earlier this year, I embarked on a mission to start loving myself more by treating myself to good food and bearing less harsh expectations of myself. However, even with all the treats and the daily self-talk I give to myself, this feeling of envy (of others) never seems to go away. I find myself being hooked onto other’s life more than my own. For every person that I meet these days, I have the urge to know more about them and wanting to be a constant in their lives. My heart dies a little when these people stop replying my texts and I wonder if it’s because I am too boring a person to talk to.
Being a very self-conscious person, I do realize that I have spent too much time living other’s life instead of my own. And I felt guilty for not loving myself enough to be contented with the things I am doing with my life. So, I thought to myself, maybe I am not loving myself the RIGHT way. Loving oneself should come from within and not just with all the treats I give to myself.
However, I can’t seems to find my way, even up till now. It just takes one bad thing I hear about myself to wash out all the good feelings I have about myself. No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be good enough.
Maybe I should stop trying and just see how things go? Instead of telling myself I am not ready for a relationship because I am not good enough, I would tell myself that the time is not ripe yet and the right person have yet to appear. Instead of forcing something out of nothing, I would rather let nature takes it course and let things be. Instead of feeling bad about myself, I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I can still improve on things. Instead of using Facebook and Twitter, I came to blog about how I feel about myself. And I know that, while its a good feeling to be in a relationship, it is not necessary to be in one.
I know that I am doing fine, and I have been strong and independent till now. I do admit that I have a very weak, sentimental, sensitive and vulnerable heart. However, I shall fill my heart with my passion to do well in my field and my head with the great plans I have for myself. I am not in a hurry.
Heads over heart. Is there is anything on Earth that I can’t conquer with a strong and resilient mind?