Better Alone.

It’s funny and weird how I want to be left alone, but I didn’t want to feel alone.

Seeing more and more people of my age getting attached right now is really getting to me. I often wonder, if I am less desirable, less pretty, less smart and feeling less accomplished, because no one likes me. By now, I am (about) fully convinced that I am not a pretty lady that’s why.

Earlier this year, I embarked on a mission to start loving myself more by treating myself to good food and bearing less harsh expectations of myself. However, even with all the treats and the daily self-talk I give to myself, this feeling of envy (of others) never seems to go away.  I find myself being hooked onto other’s life more than my own. For every person that I meet these days, I have the urge to know more about them and wanting to be a constant in their lives. My heart dies a little when these people stop replying my texts and I wonder if it’s because I am too boring a person to talk to.

Being a very self-conscious person, I do realize that I have spent too much time living other’s life instead of my own. And I felt guilty for not loving myself enough to be contented with the things I am doing with my life. So, I thought to myself, maybe I am not loving myself the RIGHT way. Loving oneself should come from within and not just with all the treats I give to myself.

However, I can’t seems to find my way, even up till now. It just takes one bad thing I hear about myself to wash out all the good feelings I have about myself. No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be good enough.

Maybe I should stop trying and just see how things go? Instead of telling myself I am not ready for a relationship because I am not good enough, I would tell myself that the time is not ripe yet and the right person have yet to appear. Instead of forcing something out of nothing, I would rather let nature takes it course and let things be. Instead of feeling bad about myself, I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I can still improve on things. Instead of using Facebook and Twitter, I came to blog about how I feel about myself. And I know that, while its a good feeling to be in a relationship, it is not necessary to be in one. 

I know that I am doing fine, and I have been strong and independent till now. I do admit that I have a very weak, sentimental, sensitive and vulnerable heart. However, I shall fill my heart with my passion to do well in my field and my head with the great plans I have for myself. I am not in a hurry.

Heads over heart. Is there is anything on Earth that I can’t conquer with a strong and resilient mind?

 

 

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helplessness

Its day 60 of me telling myself that “tomorrow will be better” and “everything will be okay”.

I have been feeling so stressed out over school work since the start of the term and am still not picking pace until now. To get through the weekly assignment is a pure torture. At first, I thought that I am not coping well because of the heavy workload. I did the same things as I did last semester, but I did fine, so its probably not my issue.

I tried being kind to myself. I gave myself assurance.

But right now, after so many tries, I don’t ever think that I will have the strength to tell myself that I am alright. The problem lies with me. I have bad time management. I should stop being nice and kind to myself. It’s time to be a lot more demanding to myself and force myself to stay up late to work. Study till I drop dead.

I really want to force myself. But the more I try, the less it’s working. My brain and my body seems to be going in opposite direction.

I am dying on the inside. I wish tomorrow never comes, but I have a dream that I never thought of giving up.

Right now, as a psychologist student, I just hope for the best. I know that I am stress and if I continue being this way, my mental health will go downhill. I really don’t wish to see myself doing a diagnosis on myself anytime.

 

 

Human’s toxic obsession with looks

*WARNING: Long, incoherent rant ahead. Read on at your own risk (of brain damage idk).

 

” Beauty is not all about the looks, it’s about your heart and what’s inside of you ” 🙂

Awwwwww, what a heart-warming, sweet and positive message out there, to encourage people to look beyond looks and appreciate humans for their individuality and uniqueness 🙂

I would very much want to agree with that quote but no, in fact, it is utter rubbish to me.

These days, there are many celebrities and influential figures using the social media to talk about how the society today have placed too much emphasis on looks. While I do appreciate their effort to do so, looking at the real (superficial) world, it seems to me that it is impossible to not zoom in on one’s appearance. Take a look at the prevalent use of social media – Why is it then some (if not most) people try so hard to take the best picture of themselves before putting it up on social media? Why is it that more and more girls of younger age tries on makeup? (no, don’t tell me that they are trying to empower themselves, pls) Why is it that people with (supposedly) ‘nicer’/’prettier’ pictures get more likes (approval)?   It’s because there is an emphasis by the society to look good (or at least the way others like it)

People always say that looks is a plus point, it’s as though they are saying that they would consider all the positive inner traits of someone before they consider their outward appearance. Hah, but what are the chances that people actually have positive traits so outstanding that get them noticed? Well, unless you are super smart, rich or lucky otherwise, I am not sure how people get to like you because you are a nice person.

Compared to understanding (judging) a person by his/her looks, it is more cognitively demanding and time consuming to learn to appreciate others for their inner traits. Considering that the human mind is of limited capacity, (in terms of perceptual, attention or memory) to judge a person based on their looks is an easier way out, isn’t it?  After all, it doesn’t cause much harm right? (So for example, this person looks plump, one could easily assume that the person is fat because the person is lazy and gluttony.)

Wrong.

What people need to realize is that looks are very deceiving and judging a person based on his/her looks comes at a cost. By judging a person by their looks, other than causing potential psychological harm to others, one is depriving that person of a chance to tell his/her story (esp. when there’s self-fulfilling prophecy),  one is denying the person of possible opportunities at work/school and one is also depriving one’s chance  of better understanding the true-est and purest nature/ form of the human.

My main point of this rant is that,

  1. Human are superficial and shallow creatures, however
  2. Regardless of how shallow/ superficial we can get, all humans (unless suffering from brain damage in the right supramarginal gyrus) have the capacity to empathize and to understand others
  3. We just need to have a little more self-awareness to make this world a better place

Okay I am done ranting. bye.

 

 

Life is, after all, just a Show & Tell

Show & Tell.

I recalled how during my elementary school days, once a week, my class will always have an hour session for us, to bring our favorite toy or pet or just anything, to share with the class. I enjoyed listening to what my friends favorite toys were, I loved how fun loving some of their pet terrapins/hamsters are.

This is a little out of nowhere, but suddenly it occurred to me that the posting of pictures on instagram, fb and twitter is exactly like what we have been doing since young. We show others what we have, and tell them about us or the items. The steps and procedures are the same, just that we have it easier now, using just the snap of a camera and yes, a caption.

Yet, somehow, it doesn’t feel the same. The nature of our Show & Tell when we were younger compared to now, is not the same.

When we were younger, we were much more genuine, much kinder, highly imaginative and much more appreciative. We love listening to other’s stories, we are curious about how things work. Even though we may not have the latest/coolest gadgets, we know how to be appreciative of what we have. (or at least I do) We are not afraid of bringing a cheaper or perhaps not so attractive toys to show to others, because all we know is that, the toy means so much to us and what others think don’t really matter.

Right now, in this grown-up/growing up world of show and tell, it’s much more like a competition, a show & tell that is full of superficiality, and the audiences full of skeptic. You can’t be sure what you see is what it really is. It’s a place that breeds jealousy and dissatisfaction with life. Many a times, we show for the sack of showing, without any true content.

What is truly the purpose of such platform then, I wonder?

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday

3 more days to the end of recess week and the start of exam week!

School has been really stressful the past few months, I never felt this stress from school (except when in JC of courseee) This is probably because I know that there is a need to do well so that I can keep my double major 😦

Though I didn’t do well for my small quizzes in the first few weeks, I feel that things will get better because I am coping better now! And this midterms is a good checkpoint for me to check on my level of understanding of the module! I will work hard 😤

Can’t wait to go back to watercolor painting once midterms end!!! Hehehehe

*Keeping myself positive till the end of this month 🙂 

Against the world

Waking up feels like a recurring nightmare these days. 

I know I shouldnt feel this way, but everything feels like its against me. And everyone seems like they are standing on the other side of the world. Feels really awful to have such horrible thoughts because I am like the only one standing by myself right now. 

I wish I could disappear for a little while because I can no longer deal with everything in life. Just for a little while…