helplessness

Its day 60 of me telling myself that “tomorrow will be better” and “everything will be okay”.

I have been feeling so stressed out over school work since the start of the term and am still not picking pace until now. To get through the weekly assignment is a pure torture. At first, I thought that I am not coping well because of the heavy workload. I did the same things as I did last semester, but I did fine, so its probably not my issue.

I tried being kind to myself. I gave myself assurance.

But right now, after so many tries, I don’t ever think that I will have the strength to tell myself that I am alright. The problem lies with me. I have bad time management. I should stop being nice and kind to myself. It’s time to be a lot more demanding to myself and force myself to stay up late to work. Study till I drop dead.

I really want to force myself. But the more I try, the less it’s working. My brain and my body seems to be going in opposite direction.

I am dying on the inside. I wish tomorrow never comes, but I have a dream that I never thought of giving up.

Right now, as a psychologist student, I just hope for the best. I know that I am stress and if I continue being this way, my mental health will go downhill. I really don’t wish to see myself doing a diagnosis on myself anytime.

 

 

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Human’s toxic obsession with looks

*WARNING: Long, incoherent rant ahead. Read on at your own risk (of brain damage idk).

 

” Beauty is not all about the looks, it’s about your heart and what’s inside of you ” 🙂

Awwwwww, what a heart-warming, sweet and positive message out there, to encourage people to look beyond looks and appreciate humans for their individuality and uniqueness 🙂

I would very much want to agree with that quote but no, in fact, it is utter rubbish to me.

These days, there are many celebrities and influential figures using the social media to talk about how the society today have placed too much emphasis on looks. While I do appreciate their effort to do so, looking at the real (superficial) world, it seems to me that it is impossible to not zoom in on one’s appearance. Take a look at the prevalent use of social media – Why is it then some (if not most) people try so hard to take the best picture of themselves before putting it up on social media? Why is it that more and more girls of younger age tries on makeup? (no, don’t tell me that they are trying to empower themselves, pls) Why is it that people with (supposedly) ‘nicer’/’prettier’ pictures get more likes (approval)?   It’s because there is an emphasis by the society to look good (or at least the way others like it)

People always say that looks is a plus point, it’s as though they are saying that they would consider all the positive inner traits of someone before they consider their outward appearance. Hah, but what are the chances that people actually have positive traits so outstanding that get them noticed? Well, unless you are super smart, rich or lucky otherwise, I am not sure how people get to like you because you are a nice person.

Compared to understanding (judging) a person by his/her looks, it is more cognitively demanding and time consuming to learn to appreciate others for their inner traits. Considering that the human mind is of limited capacity, (in terms of perceptual, attention or memory) to judge a person based on their looks is an easier way out, isn’t it?  After all, it doesn’t cause much harm right? (So for example, this person looks plump, one could easily assume that the person is fat because the person is lazy and gluttony.)

Wrong.

What people need to realize is that looks are very deceiving and judging a person based on his/her looks comes at a cost. By judging a person by their looks, other than causing potential psychological harm to others, one is depriving that person of a chance to tell his/her story (esp. when there’s self-fulfilling prophecy),  one is denying the person of possible opportunities at work/school and one is also depriving one’s chance  of better understanding the true-est and purest nature/ form of the human.

My main point of this rant is that,

  1. Human are superficial and shallow creatures, however
  2. Regardless of how shallow/ superficial we can get, all humans (unless suffering from brain damage in the right supramarginal gyrus) have the capacity to empathize and to understand others
  3. We just need to have a little more self-awareness to make this world a better place

Okay I am done ranting. bye.

 

 

Thursday

3 more days to the end of recess week and the start of exam week!

School has been really stressful the past few months, I never felt this stress from school (except when in JC of courseee) This is probably because I know that there is a need to do well so that I can keep my double major 😦

Though I didn’t do well for my small quizzes in the first few weeks, I feel that things will get better because I am coping better now! And this midterms is a good checkpoint for me to check on my level of understanding of the module! I will work hard 😤

Can’t wait to go back to watercolor painting once midterms end!!! Hehehehe

*Keeping myself positive till the end of this month 🙂 

Inexplicably tired

Have been feeling low and inexplicably tired since the start of the year. Haven’t really found the momentum to start working yet, for which, I don’t think I will ever find, but have to force myself into a systematic way of working just so I could keep up with life.

My tiredness is like a daily vicious cycle. I sleep late, wake up feeling tired, go on have a long day, feels more tired the next time. I am guessing its accumulated stress and suppressed emotions.

On a positive note, things sometimes do get better for a while, and for which I am truly thankful for.

Transition

It’s been 2 weeks since I moved into the new house. Yay and nay.

yay because I finally get to have my own bedroom, own toilet, so basically, my own space and privacy.

However, just like any other transition period, there will be stress.

Having used to previously lived in a normal apartment, there is so much more common space for family members to interact in a apartment compared to the semi-detached I am living in right now. Honestly, I feel that there isn’t exactly significantly lesser interaction right now, just that with lesser common space, there is less chance of seeing each other and therefore, giving off the isolating feels.

Will have to work something out for this.. hmms…

Count Your Blessings?

Tuesday Thoughts:

Just some random thoughts that came to me while I was on the way back home from school.

Count your blessings.

On social media, there have been many posts and articles talking about how people should be more appreciative of what they have and stop looking at what they do not have. Even on the television, especially when the TV Program is featuring developing country, there will always be comparisons made between the developed and the less developed. An e.g. would be one TV program talking about how the environment can be difficult for children in less developed countries to seek education. The host of such program will always end off by saying how ignorant we are to the things we are blessed with.

Somehow, I just felt really uncomfortable with how the host compares the developed and the less developed in such a practical manner without considering the context.

To me, counting your blessing should be a feeling of contentment and it is suppose to give off a sense of fulfillment. These days, counting your blessing is so loosely used to give off a sense of comfort (That I never really believed in ).

When someone tells me to count my blessing when I am having a bad day, its as though they are saying, your problem is nothing much or significant compared to people elsewhere.

I honestly do not see how it helps to undermine the difficult time one is facing and comparing it to someone from a completely different context. Maybe it works for some people, but definitely not for me…