Seeking solace in myself

Yesterday was such a bad and stressful day I cried myself to sleep. I would say crying is actually really theraupeutic because I tend to reenact scenarios in my head and I become more aware of the reasons why I was crying.
Tears are good analysis of emotions and overtime you will find a pattern, realizing how you keep crying over the same things. 

One thing that upsets me the most is probably the feeling of inferiority and feeling leftout, so I probably have to work on getting myself out of such scenarios and adopting better coping methods when in face of such situations in future.

Also, I realized, one reason why I am constantly getting attached to others may be my way of seeking attention to myself. And it’s never healthy to build one’s sense of self-worth based on other’s approval or disapproval 😦

Lastly, while yesterday was a sad day, there’s still much to be thankful for. I’m really touched when my mum made me herbal tea because she knew i wasn’t feeling very well and im grateful to my friends for cheering me up. 

There’s probably much more to life than just studies, stress and work. Keep going~

I’ll be fine

For the 101th time, I need myself to trust that I will be fine and EVERYTHING will be OKAY.

It’s not that I am in denial, but saving myself from potential self-destruction is more important than anything.

Trust that you will be fine.

Have faith in that your efforts will be rewarded.

And even if you are not okay, everything will fall into place in the end.

Just go at your own pace.

In the end,

You will do fine.

You will be okay. 

You will be okay.

You will be okay. 

Monday realisation

Just realized how far I am lagging behind my peers during our group study today. This is perhaps a sign to me that, I should  work really really hard, and I should just study alone. I also realized how I don’t fit at all in the university community. Not only am I not intellectual enough, I am not open and daring enough to ask for help. No one understands how awful this feels. 

Rather than having a bunch of smart friends, I think I will stick to my small space and my own bubble. This is too much for me to handle. I don’t want to try because I am to cowardy for new experience and my heart can’t take it. For every step that I take forward, I go backwards by another 5 steps. Let me just retreat into my comfort zone. And cry.

Feeling super stressed out and I am screaming internally so no one could hear. Sometimes I really wish I could be a more rational and less emotional person so that I would feel less and perhaps devote more energy to get things done more productively.

There’s so much to work on. Right now, let me just be immune to all that’s coming to me and just get my work done.