Inexplicable Fear

Really thankful to have met a wonderful person last week and I’m glad that one week later (today), we are still in contact and still chatting happily.

Behind the smiles and laughter, behind the happy moments, is a constant fear gripping onto me.

The fear of being letdown, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being unwanted and rejected over and over again. Over the span of 21 years, I have met many people that come and go, and each and every time they walk out of my life, it leaves a void in my heart. For the subsequent weeks after, I will have to live my life like a broken television, spending most of my time reminiscing the good old times. Living my life like it’s a memory, in a repeat mode.

And when this happens, part of me withers and dies off.

Slowly overtime, I become vulnerable and sensitive to the nonverbal cues people exhibits. I make sure to leave the person before the person does, just to make sure I don’t get hurt, or maybe it just hurts less that way, It feels better to be the one walking away first. I never liked risk and will never ever take the risk of trusting someone with my little heart.

I dare not take chance. I constantly desire a sense of security. And every single day, I wake up to remind myself to be a selfish person, to be protective of myself and never to trust so easily.

But damn, right now, I find myself falling for the same old shit again.

I am bound to get hurt, again.

 

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