Inexplicable Fear

Really thankful to have met a wonderful person last week and I’m glad that one week later (today), we are still in contact and still chatting happily.

Behind the smiles and laughter, behind the happy moments, is a constant fear gripping onto me.

The fear of being letdown, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being unwanted and rejected over and over again. Over the span of 21 years, I have met many people that come and go, and each and every time they walk out of my life, it leaves a void in my heart. For the subsequent weeks after, I will have to live my life like a broken television, spending most of my time reminiscing the good old times. Living my life like it’s a memory, in a repeat mode.

And when this happens, part of me withers and dies off.

Slowly overtime, I become vulnerable and sensitive to the nonverbal cues people exhibits. I make sure to leave the person before the person does, just to make sure I don’t get hurt, or maybe it just hurts less that way, It feels better to be the one walking away first. I never liked risk and will never ever take the risk of trusting someone with my little heart.

I dare not take chance. I constantly desire a sense of security. And every single day, I wake up to remind myself to be a selfish person, to be protective of myself and never to trust so easily.

But damn, right now, I find myself falling for the same old shit again.

I am bound to get hurt, again.

 

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Second Year, Second Semester

Second Year, Second Semester.

This semester has been tough on me because of the modules I am taking and also because I don’t get to meet my friends as often as I usually do. Before I started university, I have always thought that university is the time of the life where people find their life partner, forge lifelong friendships, try out all the crazily insane things and most importantly, it is the peak of one’s life.

However, after being a student here myself, I realized that all these glamorous image that every university tries to portray is not true for everyone. Yes, while there may be people who find their life partner and live the time of their life here in university, the truth is that the bulk of the people here are just normal people living very ordinary lives. (eat-sleep-study) And, yes I am one of them.

The real world being a competitive place, university is no different. The gap between high school and university is quite drastic, I would say. The level of stress, compared to when in high school is much much more and over here, time waits for no man.Whether or not we like the culture here in school, one have to accept and adapt to it fast.

Behind that glitz and glitter is the superficiality of human and I feel that coming to university helps me see life clearer than before. During my first year, I started off as a freshie, hoping to make more friends. It was not long before I realize that it was a bad idea to make friends from the same course, because what fundamentally underlies a “friendship” is a “partnership”. It is a mutually beneficial relationship. People attempt to make friends with you not because they are genuinely interested to know you or your life, they simply do it because through this friendship, you can get your textbooks for cheaper price, get more information on courses and also sometimes, past year exam papers 😉 what a good deal, isn’t it? However, it is at the cost of the fundamental trust and faith of human relationship.

What exactly is a friendship or the purpose of human connection if not for school work? Honestly, this is quite depressing to think about. And I can pretty much expect the same to happen when I go out to the workforce in future.

Also, it is in university that you realize that you aren’t as good as you thought you were (in literally, everything). Before I joined this big community, I thought that I am quite a bright kid, average-looking, but with a fairly decent sense of humor. I am worth something and I feel proud of my achievements. Right here, right now, I don’t think so anymore. Being surrounded with a huge group of people that are just like me, with the same interest and passion as me, it is hard to appreciate myself and my uniqueness. I have no idea how am I different from the others. There are always people who can do things better than you do, even when you try your best, many times, things don’t turn out like how you would want it to be.

In fact, university life is a pretty stressful period. There are many who try their best, but only to be outdone by those who put in half of their effort. You come to realize that nothing in this world is fair.

It is also the time where you realize that passion – sometimes isn’t really practical for the real world. Dream in this place gets cold. One can claim an interest in an area, but if it is not something that the society is looking for, or if its not something that earns big bucks, it is rendered useless.

In all honesty, university has been depressing so far. (With the exception of some superhuman friends who could make my day). While it is quite extreme to say, but I would like to conclude that university is not for the weak-hearted, introverts and those who dare not try out new stuff (if not, you just simply conform with the rest of the 99%, sadly) .

Done ranting, bye.

Better Alone.

It’s funny and weird how I want to be left alone, but I didn’t want to feel alone.

Seeing more and more people of my age getting attached right now is really getting to me. I often wonder, if I am less desirable, less pretty, less smart and feeling less accomplished, because no one likes me. By now, I am (about) fully convinced that I am not a pretty lady that’s why.

Earlier this year, I embarked on a mission to start loving myself more by treating myself to good food and bearing less harsh expectations of myself. However, even with all the treats and the daily self-talk I give to myself, this feeling of envy (of others) never seems to go away.  I find myself being hooked onto other’s life more than my own. For every person that I meet these days, I have the urge to know more about them and wanting to be a constant in their lives. My heart dies a little when these people stop replying my texts and I wonder if it’s because I am too boring a person to talk to.

Being a very self-conscious person, I do realize that I have spent too much time living other’s life instead of my own. And I felt guilty for not loving myself enough to be contented with the things I am doing with my life. So, I thought to myself, maybe I am not loving myself the RIGHT way. Loving oneself should come from within and not just with all the treats I give to myself.

However, I can’t seems to find my way, even up till now. It just takes one bad thing I hear about myself to wash out all the good feelings I have about myself. No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be good enough.

Maybe I should stop trying and just see how things go? Instead of telling myself I am not ready for a relationship because I am not good enough, I would tell myself that the time is not ripe yet and the right person have yet to appear. Instead of forcing something out of nothing, I would rather let nature takes it course and let things be. Instead of feeling bad about myself, I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I can still improve on things. Instead of using Facebook and Twitter, I came to blog about how I feel about myself. And I know that, while its a good feeling to be in a relationship, it is not necessary to be in one. 

I know that I am doing fine, and I have been strong and independent till now. I do admit that I have a very weak, sentimental, sensitive and vulnerable heart. However, I shall fill my heart with my passion to do well in my field and my head with the great plans I have for myself. I am not in a hurry.

Heads over heart. Is there is anything on Earth that I can’t conquer with a strong and resilient mind?

 

 

helplessness

Its day 60 of me telling myself that “tomorrow will be better” and “everything will be okay”.

I have been feeling so stressed out over school work since the start of the term and am still not picking pace until now. To get through the weekly assignment is a pure torture. At first, I thought that I am not coping well because of the heavy workload. I did the same things as I did last semester, but I did fine, so its probably not my issue.

I tried being kind to myself. I gave myself assurance.

But right now, after so many tries, I don’t ever think that I will have the strength to tell myself that I am alright. The problem lies with me. I have bad time management. I should stop being nice and kind to myself. It’s time to be a lot more demanding to myself and force myself to stay up late to work. Study till I drop dead.

I really want to force myself. But the more I try, the less it’s working. My brain and my body seems to be going in opposite direction.

I am dying on the inside. I wish tomorrow never comes, but I have a dream that I never thought of giving up.

Right now, as a psychologist student, I just hope for the best. I know that I am stress and if I continue being this way, my mental health will go downhill. I really don’t wish to see myself doing a diagnosis on myself anytime.

 

 

Human’s toxic obsession with looks

*WARNING: Long, incoherent rant ahead. Read on at your own risk (of brain damage idk).

 

” Beauty is not all about the looks, it’s about your heart and what’s inside of you ” 🙂

Awwwwww, what a heart-warming, sweet and positive message out there, to encourage people to look beyond looks and appreciate humans for their individuality and uniqueness 🙂

I would very much want to agree with that quote but no, in fact, it is utter rubbish to me.

These days, there are many celebrities and influential figures using the social media to talk about how the society today have placed too much emphasis on looks. While I do appreciate their effort to do so, looking at the real (superficial) world, it seems to me that it is impossible to not zoom in on one’s appearance. Take a look at the prevalent use of social media – Why is it then some (if not most) people try so hard to take the best picture of themselves before putting it up on social media? Why is it that more and more girls of younger age tries on makeup? (no, don’t tell me that they are trying to empower themselves, pls) Why is it that people with (supposedly) ‘nicer’/’prettier’ pictures get more likes (approval)?   It’s because there is an emphasis by the society to look good (or at least the way others like it)

People always say that looks is a plus point, it’s as though they are saying that they would consider all the positive inner traits of someone before they consider their outward appearance. Hah, but what are the chances that people actually have positive traits so outstanding that get them noticed? Well, unless you are super smart, rich or lucky otherwise, I am not sure how people get to like you because you are a nice person.

Compared to understanding (judging) a person by his/her looks, it is more cognitively demanding and time consuming to learn to appreciate others for their inner traits. Considering that the human mind is of limited capacity, (in terms of perceptual, attention or memory) to judge a person based on their looks is an easier way out, isn’t it?  After all, it doesn’t cause much harm right? (So for example, this person looks plump, one could easily assume that the person is fat because the person is lazy and gluttony.)

Wrong.

What people need to realize is that looks are very deceiving and judging a person based on his/her looks comes at a cost. By judging a person by their looks, other than causing potential psychological harm to others, one is depriving that person of a chance to tell his/her story (esp. when there’s self-fulfilling prophecy),  one is denying the person of possible opportunities at work/school and one is also depriving one’s chance  of better understanding the true-est and purest nature/ form of the human.

My main point of this rant is that,

  1. Human are superficial and shallow creatures, however
  2. Regardless of how shallow/ superficial we can get, all humans (unless suffering from brain damage in the right supramarginal gyrus) have the capacity to empathize and to understand others
  3. We just need to have a little more self-awareness to make this world a better place

Okay I am done ranting. bye.

 

 

Life is, after all, just a Show & Tell

Show & Tell.

I recalled how during my elementary school days, once a week, my class will always have an hour session for us, to bring our favorite toy or pet or just anything, to share with the class. I enjoyed listening to what my friends favorite toys were, I loved how fun loving some of their pet terrapins/hamsters are.

This is a little out of nowhere, but suddenly it occurred to me that the posting of pictures on instagram, fb and twitter is exactly like what we have been doing since young. We show others what we have, and tell them about us or the items. The steps and procedures are the same, just that we have it easier now, using just the snap of a camera and yes, a caption.

Yet, somehow, it doesn’t feel the same. The nature of our Show & Tell when we were younger compared to now, is not the same.

When we were younger, we were much more genuine, much kinder, highly imaginative and much more appreciative. We love listening to other’s stories, we are curious about how things work. Even though we may not have the latest/coolest gadgets, we know how to be appreciative of what we have. (or at least I do) We are not afraid of bringing a cheaper or perhaps not so attractive toys to show to others, because all we know is that, the toy means so much to us and what others think don’t really matter.

Right now, in this grown-up/growing up world of show and tell, it’s much more like a competition, a show & tell that is full of superficiality, and the audiences full of skeptic. You can’t be sure what you see is what it really is. It’s a place that breeds jealousy and dissatisfaction with life. Many a times, we show for the sack of showing, without any true content.

What is truly the purpose of such platform then, I wonder?