Isolation and Endurance

The start of a new school term hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be. I haven’t really felt so low in awhile, but at the same time I don’t exactly know what I’m fretting over either. A series of (unfortunate & fortunate) event has happened during the start of the year.

Good things:

I have shifted from my old house to a bigger and grander house, my sister got attached to a rich and smart boy, my result has been rather good last semester,  I managed to get the modules and the kind if timetable that I wanted.

Bad things:

1. Because of shifting houses, my new house is in a mess, its exhausting to carry up all my furnitures to the third level.Oh yes, and no one made an effort to help out in the cleaning up of the new house, so my mum and I have been overly exhausted. I am also reeally frustrated and bothered with how my room is lacking in furniture right now.

2. My sister have been overly occupied with her new boyfriend leaving no time for us. And I am really upset how she always choose to priorities her boyfriends every single time. Her getting attached in such a short time span after a break-up also made me feel very inferior, it made me wonder if I’m Undesirable as a person and if there’s any value to me at all. Couples in school constantly reminds me of how alone I am by myself. (Goshh typing this while a couple behave intimately besides me, ouch)

3. I am also very upset over the fact that I haven’t been productive for 2 weeks in a row and that my modules are pretty boring and dry this sem. This really affected my motivation to revise so badly 😦

4. Hmm… it feels really gloomy everyday because I don’t take the same modules as my good friends now. What’s more, I have been meeting really weird and intellectual kiddos in school that constantly make me question my purpose of being in a university.

These are not things that I can change, but I could probably do something about my mindset. Apparently telling myself that things get better doesn’t really works (maybe just for bad thing no1).

As for bad things no. 2, I would like to think and feel happy and be more accepting of my sister’s new boyfriend by perhaps striking more conversation with him and understand things better. Not to make assumptions and always know that my sister knows what shes doing. As for my forever alone issue, I do know deep down that I am not ready for any relationship, because I haven’t discovered my worth, I haven’t learnt to love myself enough yet (which I don’t think I will ever learn but… just try), I cannot handle pain and truth. And I am still so far from perfect. Like what my senior has told me before, it would be better to be alone and not jump into any relationship casually and ended up getting hurt in the end.

No. 3 Hmm this is really tough oh man!! Whenever I feel low and lost, the best and most effective method to get myself up would probably to remind myself of why I started out doing psychology and social work double major in the first place. These fields are very meaningful and my every interaction in the hospice, nursing home and IMH really made me want to pursue my interest furher in this area. I can’t see myself anywhere else and I want to work in a hospital so badly omgz. Some practical ways would be to FORCE and TIE myself to a chair infront my the desk… hmm ok maybe thats a little extreme… i shall set out a goal for each module that I am taking …

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