When I was younger, it has always been my dream to grow up quickly so that I can do what i want. Also due to the fact that I get to earn my own money and live my own life. Isn’t it cool to just think of having your own house and your own life?
Everything has been going on smooth and well at first. (aka life going on the way I wanted it to be). But slowly, things, life, everything starts getting harder. Relationships, friendships, academic etc. Being happy also seems to be harder. I find myself being less satisfied with what I have. Adapting to all the changes is just too much for me. And since idontknow when, i dont want to ever grow up anymore.
Everything about growing up seems to be so systematic. Being more mature, to conform and become what the society expects you to be, to become the perfect student, to become the perfect friend, to become the perfect child. Expectation of oneself, expectation from others grow. It makes me feel so chain down. So tied down by my age. All of this makes me so tired. I can no longer behave like a whinny kid as its deemed as weird by people around me. But that’s just how i behave with people I’m close with. I’m suppose to become more mature. I feel like I did but I just dont feel comfortable with the formal and robotic style I’m suppose to speak. Perhaps, I havent really develop mentally that’s why.
I find myself constantly trying to be good enough. Enough never seems to be enough. And as I grow up, I’m starting to get a sense of what it’s like to be in a competitive and fast paced society. Walking feels like running so much so that everything is so draining. I’m tired. Having said so, I can’t stop. The fear of being left behind keeps you constantly busy trying to catch up with the crowd.
Maybe someday, somewhere, I will find a place for myself..