Be that candle that burns

Just had a study date with two of my very good friends. It has been a year since we last met. Honestly speaking, i was really excited to see them again, the both of them. Like really. The night before this study date, I was super excited that i only slept at around 2am. I miss those times where we get to hang out the whole day, do some retarded act, play pranks… I really miss those time. But i guess it will never be the same again after today.

I met up with my closest friend first as we made out way together to some study corner. I feels really good to get to see my BFF again. As usual, we gossip, complain about the little things in life, it really feels like nothing changed at all. When we reach the study corner, we chose a square looking table as we sat down to continue talking about our life. Everything was fine. It feels like the same. Soon after, my second friend joined in.

We did some work till lunchtime. During lunchtime, we started talking about our respective lives in JC. Upon hearing how he lead a better life now , how he got to go for overseas trip and how he met his pretty classmate makes me feel a little bit sour. Yes i know, i sound like a little girl who is super jealous. But why is it that my JC life is so different? It’s my choice to be in that school, I’m trying to adapt to the environment. Yes, I have been trying so damn freaking hard. I am not someone who just talk and does nothing. I really tried adjusting myself to the environment and people there. Over in school, i made 2 new friends. I dont really know if i will regret but ya It’s my choice once again. After coming to JC, it really felt as though i have never smiled for decades. I can’t smile anymore. I don’t know. Can someone or anyone tell me just how do i survive in a place filled with negativity? How can I be happy again? It used to be so simple yet I’m finding it so hard now.

Yea, so one of my friend kinda know the academic stress I’m facing and I’m really glad he tried to comfort me by telling me that “aiyah, its ok to fail alevel one la, i mean, you still have a long way to go. Alevel don’t determine everything”. It’s suppose to make me feel better. But it didnt. What came to my mind was, “of course you would have said somrthing like that because you have never failed in any subjects in your entire JC life”. He tried to further console by saying, ” Anyw your JC has always been setting papers which are hard ma, so its normal to be failing”. And obviously this didn’t work.

It seems like the last few candles that I’m holding onto are burning out. It seems like they don’t really care, they don’t really know what I am trying to say all this while. I am burning out too. It’s so exhausting to be living in a world where no one understands.

I guess i will have to hide myself back into a confine area and slowly re-learn how to be a candle so that I can light up my own life.

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