Be that candle that burns

Just had a study date with two of my very good friends. It has been a year since we last met. Honestly speaking, i was really excited to see them again, the both of them. Like really. The night before this study date, I was super excited that i only slept at around 2am. I miss those times where we get to hang out the whole day, do some retarded act, play pranks… I really miss those time. But i guess it will never be the same again after today.

I met up with my closest friend first as we made out way together to some study corner. I feels really good to get to see my BFF again. As usual, we gossip, complain about the little things in life, it really feels like nothing changed at all. When we reach the study corner, we chose a square looking table as we sat down to continue talking about our life. Everything was fine. It feels like the same. Soon after, my second friend joined in.

We did some work till lunchtime. During lunchtime, we started talking about our respective lives in JC. Upon hearing how he lead a better life now , how he got to go for overseas trip and how he met his pretty classmate makes me feel a little bit sour. Yes i know, i sound like a little girl who is super jealous. But why is it that my JC life is so different? It’s my choice to be in that school, I’m trying to adapt to the environment. Yes, I have been trying so damn freaking hard. I am not someone who just talk and does nothing. I really tried adjusting myself to the environment and people there. Over in school, i made 2 new friends. I dont really know if i will regret but ya It’s my choice once again. After coming to JC, it really felt as though i have never smiled for decades. I can’t smile anymore. I don’t know. Can someone or anyone tell me just how do i survive in a place filled with negativity? How can I be happy again? It used to be so simple yet I’m finding it so hard now.

Yea, so one of my friend kinda know the academic stress I’m facing and I’m really glad he tried to comfort me by telling me that “aiyah, its ok to fail alevel one la, i mean, you still have a long way to go. Alevel don’t determine everything”. It’s suppose to make me feel better. But it didnt. What came to my mind was, “of course you would have said somrthing like that because you have never failed in any subjects in your entire JC life”. He tried to further console by saying, ” Anyw your JC has always been setting papers which are hard ma, so its normal to be failing”. And obviously this didn’t work.

It seems like the last few candles that I’m holding onto are burning out. It seems like they don’t really care, they don’t really know what I am trying to say all this while. I am burning out too. It’s so exhausting to be living in a world where no one understands.

I guess i will have to hide myself back into a confine area and slowly re-learn how to be a candle so that I can light up my own life.




起初听到这消息时,我整个人是真的吓到了。前几个月前去看她,她人还好好的,没想到那么突然就倒下。可能是因为我从不关心她吧。。所以直到现在才知道。想想,我真的很希望能早点知道, 因为我还有很多话没说,我还有很多事没问。




这时候,站在病床前的我,真的很想哭,很惭愧,但我又能说什么呢? 阿麽双眼看着站在她面前的小瓜,不禁流下了眼泪。我想她当时的感触应该很多。这时的我实在抑制不了自己的情绪。平时,到她老人家的家,她都不怎么和我们说话,我们也不曾去慰问她老人家的事,但如今。。。





Well, i just had my Geo test. The paper was manageable, do-able, passable… But I didn’t manage my time well. So ohwell, there goes my pass. Not really hopeful but will do my best for the next paper. Weee.

Okay let me write about something else for now. I am forever curious about others’ live so whenever I’m free, i will just go ahead and read their blog post etcetc. It kinda hurts to see how behind those smiles you see everyday are actually underlain with tears and pain. I don’t know.

Life is like a game to me. It’s not easy for anyone. It’s not. However, some people just happen to be in a game of higher level of difficulty. Whenever i read their blog post, it makes my stress from schoolwork etcetc seems insignificant? I don’t know. I feel for them more than i feel for myself. Gosh i am so weird. Zzzz. I feel like giving them a pat on their shoulder or try to talk to them? Even though i have yet to settle my own problems. I just hope for everyone to be happy and free. I mean, its tiring to put on a mask to hid your pain isn’t it. Be honest. Be brave. In my opinion, being brave isn’t being fearless about how others judge you? But how you face your true self at the end of the day. (Wah deeep. HAHAHA. I feel like I’m talking to myself right now. Huhu)

In any case, whatever it takes, i really have to make my way towards my dream so that i can help more people achieve theirs. Super ambitious i know, but its super achievable to. In the meantime, i will have to pass my Geo Prelims first ….